illuminate

exams in one week - some studying, lots of trying to study. my study table:


"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." -Galatians 2:20

I still often feel driven by the things, emotions, and values of this world. How my life would be different to have one singular purpose and passion to know Christ and him crucified (1 Cor. 2:2). I still see the world the way the world wants me to see, yet I know there is another light by which all things are seen in reality, in the light of what Christ has already done for me.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
look full in his wonderful face.
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of his glory and grace."

ashamed.

God, how could you not be ashamed of me?

frustrated and discouraged.

interviewing

it just took me a 1.5 hours to do a patient history...

alma mater

my pathology lab professor, himself an M.D. Ph.D. in anatomical pathology, asked us to introduce ourselves by our name and where we went to school.

as soon as i said i went to "washington university in st. louis," he told the class how washu was a "great school - especially for pathology." then, he tells us that a doctor from washu, lauren ackerman, wrote one of the "gold standard textbooks of surgical pathology" in use today.

i don't know what he expects of me, but i don't think publishing a universally used textbook is anywhere in my future. i just hope i can differentiate between a kidney and a spleen...

thank you washu. thank you very much.

1 down...

first day of second year done...

one of my friends summed up my sentiments exactly - the feeling i get about finally starting second year is that i'm glad i'm not an MS1 anymore because i don't think i'd have the patience or will-power to do anatomy, physiology, cell bio, biochem, immuno and whatever else we had to do last year all over again.

God grant me the strength and diligence to work hard this year - not for grades but to learn essential skills to be the best doctor i can be for His Kingdom in the future.

"..tis grace hath brought me safe thus far and grace will lead me home."

kg vs bulls bench

awesome article about the "war of words" between k.g. and the bulls bench.

"Do the Bulls' reserves ever hear what Garnett is yelling? 'We can read his lips,' [Linton] Johnson said. 'With him, it's easy. He only says about five words.'"

this series has been amazing. derrick rose is good/bad, though i think it's b/c he's constantly fighting what he wants to do and what he's being told to do, and joakim noah is my new favorite bull, even if he isn't quite easy on the eyes. if he were on any other team, i'd hate him, but he's a bull, so i love him.

negative one and done?

personally i think this is a stupid idea.

what happens if you have a serious injury? or actually, what happens after you turn 35 and your career will be over soon? i like how the kid is blowing off college (and high school, too!) as not good for you as a basketball player and only for "off-the-court" stuff like it's not important or anything.

but then again, if i were good enough to play pro bball...or even college bball...well ok, high school...nevermind.

bulls vs. celtics (and fantasy bball)

bulls in the playoffs - albeit against the celtics in the first round.

not a celtics fan (obviously), but this and this make today especially rough for that team. i would love for the bulls to put up a good fight and possibly win, but you never want bad things to happen to the other team - i'd say missing possibly your best player and your GM suffering a heart attack on the same day constitutes bad things. hope all is well with the celtics, and this only makes me feel like they're gonna come out extra-motivated (as if they weren't motivated enough already) saturday.

my bulls better be ready.

who ya got? i say boston in 6 but one good learning experience for derrick rose.
______________________________________________-

and i ended up in 3rd place (out of 10) in my yahoo fantasy bball league after losing my 3 of my top 4 draft picks for all/majority of the season (elton brand, chris kaman, andrew bogut - autodraft, not my choices - caron butler was my other top 4 pick), and not a single one of my players finished in the top 20 in totals or averages. either call it a successful year (what i will tell myself)- or everyone in the league just stopped playing (more likely).

I dreamed a dream

no doubt you've seen this already.

this really sums up exactly how i feel.

excerpt:

"Then, when a special occasion comes along, they might reach, as Susan did, for the frock they bought for a nephew's wedding. They might, as she did, compound the felony of choosing a colour at odds with her skin tone and an unflattering shape with home-chopped hair, bushy eyebrows and a face without a hint of make-up. But it is often evidence of a life lived selflessly; of a person so focused on the needs of another that they have lost sight of themselves. Is that a cause for derision or a reason for congratulation?...

"...Susan has been forgiven her looks and been given respect because of her talent. She should always have received it because of the calibre of her character."
________________________________________________

I absolutely agree with the author of that article.

??

I didn't know they closed down main streets downtown for St. Patrick's Day...

don't these people have to work or go to school? Last time there were this many people outside in downtown, Barack Obama was in town to speak...it's like a holiday or something. If St. Patrick's Day can get such a day, I propose that Chinese New Year become a nationally celebrated holiday, too.

you know you're in Indiana when...

...you are driving down the main highway from South Bend to Indianapolis (US 31) and you encounter more horse-and-buggies crossing the road (4) than police cars patrolling the highway (0).
______________________________________________________________

and on a completely different note - favorite players from conference championship weekend: Johnny Flynn and Toney Douglas.

volunteering

I volunteered for a few hours with a student clinic the students at IUSM are starting up. We were performing prelim. health screens for people in a very poor part of town. I was assigned to man the greeting/filling out forms table at the door. Now I have to be careful with this story b/c I can't violate HIPAA rules, but this is more about my encounter with a person and his needs rather than a medical case. I hope that's ok.

"For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me...Truly I say to you, as you did not do it for one of the least of these, you did not do it to me." -Matthew 25:42-43, 45

In any case, two homeless people, R and K, walked in. K, a man, sat down, seemed really tired, distraught, disappointed, discouraged. He filled out the forms I gave him and went through all the health screening stations we had set up, then grabbed a cup of coffee and a blueberry pastry and sat down in front of me to eat, so I struck up some awkward conversation with him.

Then, after some silence, he started telling me about how he was sick of the life he was living, "done with this debauchery," so he said. He said he needed new socks, new clothes (judging by the look of the clothes and the odor, he was right), would go to a hotel to take a bath if he had money. He also walked with a noticeable limp, which he attributed to being stabbed a few months ago. All I could do was sit, nod, say I'm sorry he was struggling, and offer him more food to take with him. We were there merely doing health screenings for people. I had no idea what to do, so I told him about IMC, a church in downtown that offered free food every Sunday morning before worship, and said that I'm sure they could help him more. He left, came back, and left again, then came back, and just sat in a chair and slept.

"What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, 'Go in peace, be warmed and filled,' without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." -James 2:14-17

I felt, and still feel like such a cop-out. But I honestly had no idea what I should have done. I was there with medical students, and I didn't want to set a precedent or try to meet a need that the student clinic was not meant to fulfill - at least not according to the leaders, yet. But I feel like the priest and/or the other person who walked right by the guy on the side of the road that the Samaritan ultimately helped. I wanted to take the guy somewhere to get some new socks and stuff - but I still found myself sanitizing my hands after he left, partially out of protocol and partially because I was paranoid. I need to learn how to love with the same compassion and love that Jesus shows the poorest of the poor, the most rejected of the rejected, the least of the world.

What would you have done?

basketball

such is the state of IU basketball right now. kind of sad, kind of funny, all rolled up into one. he's 5'9" - that's like my height!

so i played bball at NIFS today for the first (and probably last time since i can't afford the membership there). i scored no points in 3 games, but hopefully played solid D, though i doubt it. it was fun, but i had forgotten how competitive some people can be and how much of an attitude some people can have...it's actually quite amusing to watch.

and when a guy was arguing with one of my friends after a game, i said to the one guy, "hey man, it's just a game of basketball," he not-quite-so-nicely remarked back to after staring at me for a few seconds, "...Hey! we [his team] won. get off the court," and turned and walked away.

i know the economy sucks, but can't we just be nice to one another?

afterall, basketball really is just a game. or for me, just exercise.

what is faith?

What do you think of when you think of a person of great faith?

Samson was did a lot of stupid things (Judges 14). Yet, God still allows his Spirit to "rush upon him" and uses him to humble the entire nation of the Philistines despite him.

that kind of messes with my entire idea of faith (as i struggle with my own faith). Paul lists Samson in Hebrews 11:32 as a man who was commended through his faith. Yet it is so clear Samson had many shortcomings.

I think when I think of a man of faith, I think of someone so infallible, a rock, an oak of righteousness - someone bearing so much pain and suffering and doing great things and never turning his back on God. That's not Samson, yet He still is considered to have great faith.

Then perhaps there's still hope for me.

facebook phenomenon

I tend not to read Newsweek anymore after their ridiculous cover story a little while ago arguing that the Bible supports gay marriage. But this caught my eye, albeit for a completely different, slightly more humorous reason.

"Facebook isn't addictive--your desire to know what other people are up to is addictive."

isn't that true...

and just thinking quickly so i can go back and finish watching this lecture on Vibrio cholerae, I am guilty of #6...i was playing on that typing speed program and was satisfied with how fast i could type. until it posted the scores of people who were on my friends list that had high scores - much higher scores...so i spent the next half-an-hour (ok, i admit it - the next whole hour) trying with no success to up my score...and it still took me 15 minutes to type this post.

"social networking", what is it, really?

persistence

an exercise in futility...or persistence.

if only i exhibited the same kind of persistence in my life.

o for a thousand tongues to sing...

O for a thousand tongues to sing
my great Redeemer's praise;
the glories of my God and King,
the triumphs of His grace.

He breaks the power of canceled sin,
he sets the prisoner free;
his blood can make the foulest clean;
his blood availed for me.

He speaks, and listening to his voice,
new life the dead receive;
the mournful, broken hearts rejoice,
the humble poor believe." -Charles Wesley


the power and bondage of sin - broken - a new life, given me.
the triumph of his grace over sin, over me.
"set me free, set me free," my prayer, Lord, set me free.

just my thoughts

i find it funny that many people that supported obama during the election is hating on all the mccain supporters for being sad, upset, depressed, angry, thinking-America-is-about-to-end, and that they should all suck it up and start working to support the new president, as both mccain and obama asked everyone to do. it's true, everyone must get behind the new president and not continue to be divided.

but i find it funny because it's like people can't remember back 4 years, when many kerry supporters thought bush's re-election meant that the united states would fail, were sad, upset, depressed, angry...all the same - and were also told to suck it up i'm sure. now i don't have sources, but i'm sure it's true. as they say, when you point your finger at someone, 3 fingers are pointing straight back at you.

i find it funny how we all have such short-term memories. that we (myself included, i'm sure) can't extend a hand of grace to the loser in whatever we do. that we don't have the humility to see or admit that our own faults are just as great as others.

"Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" -Matthew 7:4

for the record, i was torn between mccain and obama, and i ended up voting for neither. but my faith is not that one man or the other is going to be the "change we need" or maybe the "change we want." it's a God-given gift that we have the right and freedom to vote, to exchange power peacefully, but i find it silly that we get so caught up in who is going to be president, how one candidate means greener days ahead (metaphorically and metaphorically) while the other means gloom and doom - and which one is which depends on whom you vote for. maybe this is my youthful, haven't-paid-a-dime-of-tax (actually, i think i paid $40 freshman year from work-study), ignorance, is not all power - good and bad - given by God, and are not the leaders (and all of us) accountable before God for our actions and how they affect people? i don't really get caught up in politics, just enough to try to make an informed decision. so what if life is harder or easier, if times are good or bad, if things are looking up or down. Maybe we're too comfortable with the idea of comfort, security, wealth, the American Dream, that we forget that God never promises that our life will be comfortable or wealthy, or that our job will be secure, or that we will ever fulfill the "American Dream," whatever that may be.

It's not that that comfort, security, wealth, freedom, or whatever else we associate with America is bad - again, it is a gift, a blessing, that our America stands for the ideals that it does and gives us the rights that we have that so few others in the world also have.

but the moment I forget why I live and for whom I should be living is the moment I get caught up in the things of the world and start living for myself. we get so caught up in what's best for me and you that we lose sight of the fact that all things belong to God and exist to glorify God. God's purpose in this world was never to merely make us happy but to turn all eyes to him and glorify himself. and because of that fact, i find peace in whatever happens, whoever is president, wherever the world is headed.

"...You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." -Matthew 7:5

Maybe we should take a pause from worrying about our own futures and ponder what it means to be a Christian in a non-Christian world...

i have found that the "change i need" is to change my focus from living for myself to living for God, and the "change i can believe in" is Christ himself.

temptation

"Temptation is a suggested short-cut to the realization of the highest at which I aim -- not towards what I understand as evil, but towards what I understand as good...God does not save us from temptations; He succours us in the midst of them." -Oswald Chambers

I only now begin to realize how low I am aiming.