"But Hannah answered, 'No my lord, I am a woman troubled in spirit...I have been pouring out my soul before the LORD.'" -1 Samuel 1:15
General consensus [correctly] has it that I'm not a woman, but I feel like I can echo what Hannah told Eli.
"And the LORD God made for Adam and his wife garments of skins and clothed them." -Genesis 3:21
God first act of grace towards man after sin.
Do I truly know God's grace, or do I merely pay lip service to it?
"A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver." -Proverbs 25:11
"The words of a whisperer [NIV - "gossip"] are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body." -Proverbs 26:22
i think...
words mean more to me than anything else...
words are powerful..."And God said, 'Let there be light,' and there was light." -Genesis 1:3
they cut through me like a sword, pierce the deepest parts of me that other things cannot.
words spoken - coupled with facial expression, words in a letter or e-mail, they mean the most because they touch at the center of how i give and receive...
...i think...
"...out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." -Matthew 12:34
i am never at a loss for thoughts over break. reading C.S. Lewis does that to you. but why can i not journal at all, not even one day, during break? are all these thoughts for naught, like the first winter's snow that falls but fails to accumulate or amount to anything significant...
finished over break: The Golden Compass, Mere Christianity, A Grief Observed, The Weight of Glory
"For you created my inmost being,
you knit me together in my mother's womb...
...(I remember a lot about my childhood.)...
In Chicago, I remember making my Chinese tutor cry because I told her I did not care about Chinese.
I remember first moving to Indiana in 1993. Second grade. Nerdy glasses. Ugly comb-over haircut. I was the new kid, and because of that, I was well-liked.
I remember recess, playing basketball (trying to play basketball). Watching. Watching. Waiting. Standing. Finally, they passed me the ball once. I threw it up, two handed, like any uncoordinated, Chinese, second-grader would do. I remember it vividly. It bounced of the back iron, then the front of the rim. Off the backboard, and through the hoop (we had no nets back then). Super-esctatic. Then one of the "cool" kids comes over as we're going back inside. "I could have made that. That's not that far," he says as he mimics shooting a ball through the hoop from where i was, probably at the freethrow line. My head sunk.
I remember being the best speller in my class. We'd make our own spelling lists. I had the hardest words. But I remember getting second place at the district spell bowl competition. I remember getting second place in the second grade spelling bee. Always second. Shrug.
I remember getting the second highest score on the math placement exam for sixth grade. At least the guy above me was also Chinese.
I remember being second in the geography bee in sixth grade. Well, I did beat out most of the 7th and 8th graders.
...(Does this all sound nitpicky and stupid? Shouldn't I have gotten over all these things by now?)...
I remember being told on for swearing in sixth grade. I felt like shit.
I remember being caught doing homework for English in social studies class. Ooops.
I remember getting extra credit points for getting the lowest combined score for a competition in the "enriched" (i.e. "gifted and talented") class.
I remember Chinese school, being placed in a special, taught-in-English class with a 40 yer-old woman because I could not handle the other, normal classes.
I remember never having a piano recital where I did not mess up.
I remember my mom asking me when I was 13 why I wanted to get baptized. I did not know. I had no answer. (Seriously?!)
I remember going to visit Ivy-League schools with my brother in 8th grade. I'll never get in.
I remember freshmen year of high school, on a field trip to the Art Institute of Chicago (I was the only freshmen) to see a Van Gogh and Gauguin exhibit, my two best friends, girls, a year older, got sick of me, I assume because of my insecurity about my knowledge about my own language. I stared out the window, alone, the entire bus ride home. It took two weeks for them to talk to me again. They said I was very insecure about myself in general. I never noticed until then.
...(Is this all even important? Does any of this matter?)...
I remember getting accepted into the All-State Honor Band senior year, only to realize that percussionists in the All-State Band (kind of like the 2nd team) blew me away in auditions.
I remember my dad asking me when the deadline for the Lilly Scholarship was. I told him, "...a....mmmmmonth....ago." His voice still rings in my ears.
Freshmen year of college, I remember my dad yelling at my sister for talking too much on the cell phone. I remember sticking up for her, telling him that his punishment was way too harsh. I remember being told that my opinion was not asked for right now and did not matter.
I remember disappointing many people in the last 3 years.
...
Senior year now, and I still feel the effects of my experiences. Perhaps I always will. Where is my self-confidence? When did it leave me? Did I ever have any? I can't sort it all out. I am a people-pleaser. I struggle for acceptance. And until I realize, and truly know that I am more accepted than I can imagine, despite my failings and disappointments, I always will. But why do I always desire that acceptance in a real, tangible, human way?
...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well." -Psalm 139:13-14
